My home is a cluttered place. I am after all a cluttered person, with a cluttered mind. I blame my father really. He was slovenly in his private life. Bottles of vodka, his drink of choice scattered around his kitchen. His bad room was a simple unadorned bed with a chest of drawers. They were both covered his clothes or various books he was reading. Time Life WWII series stacked next to a well worn copy of a book by truman Capote. His cheap porn half buried by a stack of the Smithonian.

Of course I apparently learned my financial behavior from him. He would by bits of luxury in spurs of the moment. He Knew nothing apparently of being financially responsible. When he died suddenly a little over a year ago he left us little to nothing but a gaping hole in my heart and enormous debt. I wonder sometimes if he thought about that as he lay on his couch dying. When he drank the Vodka that killed did he think to himself "god damn it! I am leaving nothing!"

Okay I admit that was bitter.

I am also finding myself wondering about that. If I died tomorrow I would die in debt. I would die as a burden on people. Financially I am a disaster area. Not as bad as dad. No mortgages here thank you. But still it bothers me I am not really making it financially. I am so close too. It stings even more to making it to a goal to have it slap you in the face you are not there yet. I am not greedy. I don't want to be rich I am not even looking for the house with picket fence. I just want to be comfortable. To be able to develop a savings. To afford some little things from time to time. I don't want a new car. I don't want the life and kid. I gave up on being married a long of time. I am to irritating for that. I don't want much. I just want to live a life without worrying weather or not I will in the hole this month. But alas I am to frivolous for that. I cant seem to help to buy things on impulse. I am just like my father that way.

I took off a well needed couple of days from work today and tomorrow. I had the time acrewed and I need to get some relief from work. I am tired of the phone and need a break. I keep going hoping I will soon find my shot off the phone and in to a different position. One with better pay and less people screaming at me. That would be nice.

well it has been a lazy day hopefully I will be less morose tomorrow.

but that would hardly be like me.

technoir: (Default)
( Mar. 19th, 2002 08:43 pm)
Sunday....Saint paddy's day...was also the aniversary of my incarceration.

I was in jail, due to a being pulled over on a suspended licence and other stuff. Moot point realy, as I was working on getting out of jail, looking for bail in easily the most scary and most embarrasing time of my life, I talked to dad.

It would be the last time I would speak to him. He couldn't help me with bail and i was pissed.
He tried to say he was sorry and I lashed out at him. Of all things I have done or said I wish i could have taken that back. I was mean to him and hung up on him...I didn't even say goodbye.

A week later he died of liver failure. Part of me wonders if he knew that would be our last talk. The sad thing in all of that is I cant decide who I hate more in that, dad for killing himself for years, or me for not telling him how i felt about him before he left. He was disappointed in me so often in my life and all I ever wanted was to have his respect. He was not my natural father but that didn't matter to me cause he never treated me as anything less than his son. I loved him. He taught me to think, to argue, to take a stand.

In the end he drank himself to death. Like his best friend Karl Edward Wagner. He just gave up. He had been told to go to a hospital and he had told them he would go after he put the paper to bed. He was not a dumb man he knew what liver failure meant. He still went home and drank and i killed himself.

I hate him for that a little. I wish I had a chance to take back what I said but I cant. This coming monday is the aniversary of his death. I guess i have not been my usual chipper self toi my friends.....sorry gang. Marie has been a boon in keeping me cheered up. I owe her for that.

I guess I am done rambling now....

Jsut needed to get that out. Sorry to bore with my problems

Be well all



technoir: (Default)


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