technoir: (Oroborus)
( Nov. 20th, 2005 10:54 pm)
the mass of men live lives of quiet desperation.

Some times i think Thoreau may have writen that for me. The escepades of car replacement have been a test of my patience. So I had supposedly made arangements to take the ford windstar belonging to my aunt. I was going to be paying 100 bucks a month for 18 months for it. not to bad really. I made the appropriate promises and was all set to take possession this weekend. At the eleventh hour this disappeared. It was decided she could not part with it after all. She needed it for her son in 2 years when he is old enough to drive. I cant fault her for it or grandma for making the deal.

So this afternoon was spent car shopping. Nothing quite so satisfying as being told i cant get credit without a cosigner or paying 30% of the cost of a vehicle for me to get the credit. Right now it looks like Tim, my moms husband, is going to pay a little more than 6000 dollars up front for me to get a 2000 saturn wagon. I am paying him back in installments but it does not make me feel like any less of a heel. I am 32 going on 33 here in a few weeks. I shouldn't have to need this kind of help. Hell if it were the first time I needed this kind of help i wouldn't feel so bad but it sadly isn't. Meanwhile my grandparents grumble about the money they put in repairing my other car and all I can get for it is like 200 dollars in sale. I cant hold on to it. It will take roughly 1800 dollars to fix it to an acceptable level and even then it will be just buying time for a year. maybe not even that. It is 15 years old and well over 200,000 miles approaching 300,000.


okay I am done venting. Pay it no mind. Tommorrow is another day. This too will pass. I aint dead and i will survive this like every other test. Just feeling frustrated and ineffectual right now.

night all.
My home is a cluttered place. I am after all a cluttered person, with a cluttered mind. I blame my father really. He was slovenly in his private life. Bottles of vodka, his drink of choice scattered around his kitchen. His bad room was a simple unadorned bed with a chest of drawers. They were both covered his clothes or various books he was reading. Time Life WWII series stacked next to a well worn copy of a book by truman Capote. His cheap porn half buried by a stack of the Smithonian.

Of course I apparently learned my financial behavior from him. He would by bits of luxury in spurs of the moment. He Knew nothing apparently of being financially responsible. When he died suddenly a little over a year ago he left us little to nothing but a gaping hole in my heart and enormous debt. I wonder sometimes if he thought about that as he lay on his couch dying. When he drank the Vodka that killed did he think to himself "god damn it! I am leaving nothing!"

Okay I admit that was bitter.

I am also finding myself wondering about that. If I died tomorrow I would die in debt. I would die as a burden on people. Financially I am a disaster area. Not as bad as dad. No mortgages here thank you. But still it bothers me I am not really making it financially. I am so close too. It stings even more to making it to a goal to have it slap you in the face you are not there yet. I am not greedy. I don't want to be rich I am not even looking for the house with picket fence. I just want to be comfortable. To be able to develop a savings. To afford some little things from time to time. I don't want a new car. I don't want the life and kid. I gave up on being married a long of time. I am to irritating for that. I don't want much. I just want to live a life without worrying weather or not I will in the hole this month. But alas I am to frivolous for that. I cant seem to help to buy things on impulse. I am just like my father that way.

I took off a well needed couple of days from work today and tomorrow. I had the time acrewed and I need to get some relief from work. I am tired of the phone and need a break. I keep going hoping I will soon find my shot off the phone and in to a different position. One with better pay and less people screaming at me. That would be nice.

well it has been a lazy day hopefully I will be less morose tomorrow.

but that would hardly be like me.



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