the odd strings of thought

[technoir]

My home is a cluttered place. I am after all a cluttered person, with a cluttered mind. I blame my father really. He was slovenly in his private life. Bottles of vodka, his drink of choice scattered around his kitchen. His bad room was a simple unadorned bed with a chest of drawers. They were both covered his clothes or various books he was reading. Time Life WWII series stacked next to a well worn copy of a book by truman Capote. His cheap porn half buried by a stack of the Smithonian.

Of course I apparently learned my financial behavior from him. He would by bits of luxury in spurs of the moment. He Knew nothing apparently of being financially responsible. When he died suddenly a little over a year ago he left us little to nothing but a gaping hole in my heart and enormous debt. I wonder sometimes if he thought about that as he lay on his couch dying. When he drank the Vodka that killed did he think to himself "god damn it! I am leaving nothing!"

Okay I admit that was bitter.

I am also finding myself wondering about that. If I died tomorrow I would die in debt. I would die as a burden on people. Financially I am a disaster area. Not as bad as dad. No mortgages here thank you. But still it bothers me I am not really making it financially. I am so close too. It stings even more to making it to a goal to have it slap you in the face you are not there yet. I am not greedy. I don't want to be rich I am not even looking for the house with picket fence. I just want to be comfortable. To be able to develop a savings. To afford some little things from time to time. I don't want a new car. I don't want the life and kid. I gave up on being married a long of time. I am to irritating for that. I don't want much. I just want to live a life without worrying weather or not I will in the hole this month. But alas I am to frivolous for that. I cant seem to help to buy things on impulse. I am just like my father that way.

I took off a well needed couple of days from work today and tomorrow. I had the time acrewed and I need to get some relief from work. I am tired of the phone and need a break. I keep going hoping I will soon find my shot off the phone and in to a different position. One with better pay and less people screaming at me. That would be nice.

well it has been a lazy day hopefully I will be less morose tomorrow.

but that would hardly be like me.

TechNoir

Comments

Actually....

[puzzleoflight.livejournal.com]

I don't know about mortgages, but with other kinds of debt (credit cards, student loans, etc.) once someone dies, the debt doesn't transfer to the remaining family. I used to work for a collection agency, so I'm very familiar with this. All the remaining family has to do is give the creditor proof of death (like faxing a death certificate) and the remaining debt should be dropped.

Re: Actually....

[technoir.livejournal.com]

ah but the debt he owed on his 2 morgages on the house and the 4 years of back unpaid taxes plus fines incured do get transfered to the estate holders...i.e. my brother and me.

TechNoir

Re: Actually....

[puzzleoflight.livejournal.com]

Well that sucks. :( Sorry to hear that.

[ora-de-montale.livejournal.com]

The same with me. I keep squandering my money on books, CDs, delicatessen and stuff. Things were a bit different when I was with Yana (my ex), we managed to save up and buy "seroius" things. But now there's no one around to stop me from extravagances, because my current GF is even less economy-minded. :))

A bit of personal note
Look, I'm sorry for not translating all my posts into English for you to read. I've had several disasters recently - a broken heart, and then my GF got lost and was found in a psycho hospital, with amnesia and general psychic breakdown. So, I'm a bit down in spirits. But I promise to try and improve!

umm I'm sorry seems inadequate

[technoir.livejournal.com]

I am sorry to here that. Are you going to be okay? I know that has got to be rough. Dont worry over much though about translating it. These journals are just good catharsis. They dont always have to be read to be good for ya. If I can read them, cool. If not I am not going to sweat over it. You definately have other things on your mind than translating your thoughts to different language. Just keep your head up and keep going.

TechNoir